How to stop worrying about others and focus on yourself - Whole in soul

How to stop worrying about others and focus on yourself

How to stop worrying about others and focus on yourself 

 In the second last month of 2017, Raj swore never to touch alcohol during an office party again. Every time he remembers that Christmas party, he palms his face in embarrassment.

So, here is what went down; Raj works as a copywriter in a small PR company. In his office, 16 people work in different capacities including an accountant, a publicist, a human resource manager, and two social media managers. At the end of each year, they have an office Christmas party during which plenty of alcohol is served.

 On this same day, the employees receive their end-year bonuses, so there is usually a great deal of merry going around. That December, Raj’s joy overwhelmed him and he started flirting with their accountant, the polished Miss Mary. He doesn’t remember much of their conversation, except for the last part.

The alcohol had made him generous with personal information, and so he opened up to Mary, telling him the most embarrassing story of his life, one that he had never told anyone before. This story involved another beautiful girl, puberty pimples, and a hug that may have not been a hug. Before this embarrassing story, Raj’sflirting game must have been on point, because the beautiful accountant could not stop laughing.

 However, as his story neared its end, her eyes lost their laughter and turned to one of I-cannot-believe-you-did-that, reinforcing his now out-in-the-open shame even further. Needless to say, Raj’s flirtation with Mary did not go beyond the party. Worse still, every time he walked through their small office, he imagined that all his coworkers were talking about his embarrassing teenage moment.

Mary must have told them; it is so embarrassing that it must have elicited a few laughs. Maybe she turned it into a stand-up special. What did the new social media manager, Anna, think? Did she also think that whatever happened to Raj was shameful? Did Sam, the publicist, laugh with his ultra-cool circle of friends about his shame? Was there more for him to prove to everyone now that they had heard about one of his most shameful moments?

In the middle of 2019, Raj’s year-and-a-half mental torture was finally laid to rest. In a conversation, he finally understood how much he should not care about what people think.

And so, today, we discuss what our protagonist understood about people's opinions of you, whether voiced or not. Why should you not care about what people think? The first thing you should know is that everyone thinks about themselves all the time. Sure, thoughts of the people around them might feature in their mind, but even then, it will lead back to them.

For instance, a thought about your friend's scarf and how it looks good on her might circle back to capitalism and how it has been unfair to you, which is why you cannot afford a similar pretty garment. Don’t give people’s thoughts about you any credit, because chances are, these thoughts will not dwell on you for long.

Think of yourself like a meme in someone's life; they will look at you and either laugh, roll their eyes, relate, snicker, or even share. But once they are done with the meme, they are unlikely to remember it again. There is also a way you get stuck when you are dwelling on what people think about you. Raj wants to be friends with Anna, their new social media manager due to the sheer wit in her tweets.

He gotta have himself some of that humor! However, he is wary of her thoughts about him because he imagines that she knows about 2017. This fear prevents him from asking her out for drinks and essentially developing what could be a good friendship. And this is what an obsession with people thought of you does to you.

You are unlikely to try and experience new things if you are afraid of what the people around you think. Founded or not, someone will always have an opinion as to what you should be wearing, who you should be talking to, and whatnot. But as mentioned above, your colleagues or acquaintances are unlikely to think about you for long, and even if they do, their thoughts will keep changing.

So you can see how unrealistic it is to get stuck because of their opinion at a particular time. Just look at Raj, and how long he waited before finally approaching Anna! The alternative, as Raj found out, is to do whatever you want to do. There will always be an opinion and thoughts about you. Since these opinions are on their way anyway, why don’t you (not) listen to them as you do something that you enjoy and set goals that you genuinely want to achieve?

Now, would you say that any of your family members or friends are better placed to understand what is best for you? Would you be willing to give them full autonomy of your being if you could, because they would make decisions that are best for you? I am assuming not. Caring about people’s opinions of what you should do or be assumes that these people know what is best for you. Which luckily for you, they do not.

You are responsible and in control of your life because you are the one who is living and experiencing it. To make a decision, you have to draw factors from the environment you live, and from the experiences, you have gone through so far. For instance, for you to drink a glass of milk, you need to believe that the milk will not do you any harm. The environment tells you whether it is safe to drink the milk and your previous experiences tell you what will result if you do drink the milk.

Hence, it is safe to argue that the one person who knows what is best for your life is you since you are living it. People’s thoughts and opinions are also based on their standards and values, not necessarily yours. And this feeds into the previous point. The reason why someone does not know what is best for you is that they make decisions based on their standards, experiences, and environment.

As you have probably heard, one man’s poison is another man’s meat. You wouldn’t care about a psychopath’s opinion on empathy now, would you? At the end of the day, if you conform to what people are saying about you, you are still stuck with the result. It is the equivalent of someone else doing an exam in your name. When the results are posted, they will be next to your name and not whoever did the paper.

 Sure, sometimes people’s ideas and suggestions may work in your favor. However, they should undergo some critical thought first before being taken as truth. Conforming may also work against you in the end. You make friends because of the unique brand that is you and your family appreciates you for who you are. Changing yourself to someone they agree with and one who follows their principles and values their standards might earn you some favors.

 However, as you become less of who you are, there is a chance that you will be liked less subsequently. Uniqueness and authenticity are more appreciated when compared to conformity. Also, ask yourself, how long do you think you can keep up a façade? To reduce the influence of people’s thoughts over your life, several things might help. We start in the middle of 2019 when Raj finally had a conversation with the polished Miss Mary about their previous drunken interaction.

 It was during a colleague’s birthday party, and this time, he wasn’t the drunken one. Mary was still refined when drunk, but on top of it, she was direct and honest, which prompted their 2017 convo. She didn’t remember much of what happened during that office party, but she remembers snorting at some point as he was telling some story from the 90s. After her snort-laugh, he became less enthusiastic about his teenage years and eventually trailed off, and awkwardly walked away.

When she told him this, Raj had an epiphany, and the depth of which everyone is so absorbed in their selves hit him hard. He spent almost two years worrying that he had disgusted their accountant by telling him a story which wasn’t very shameful, now that he thought about it. She, however, didn’t find it significant all; “some story from the 90s” was all she heard. What he read about a reaction to him was a reaction to herself. Shame, he found out, plays a major role in worrying about other people’s thoughts. When there is a standard you think you aren't living up to, a standard the people around you seem to be upholding, you become shameful of your actions.

 And so, you start listening to what these standard-upholding folks are saying about what is wrong with you, or what they are seemingly saying, which you may imply from their words, their actions, their inactions, and anything they do. The secret is to start looking for that which you are searching for outside from within. For instance, Raj believed that his goofiness and embarrassing story were not good things because of the uncommonness of goof and the shame in the latter.

However, if he has established, within himself, that this was something he was cool with, something that is okay, he wouldn’t suffer from the same mental torture. Establishing values and principles with which you live your life works to get rid of shame. It also informs your opinion, which should be valued above everyone else’s. Some of these values include a belief in a superior being, the understanding of the importance of family in your life, honesty being the best policy, and frugality, among others.

 So, if your colleagues at work think that you should eat out more, you respond by informing them of your principles on spending; you only spend when it is necessary and it contributes to convenience.

This is why you carry your lunch: they can go right ahead for their meal and you will meet them back at the office. Since he dealt with his shame, things are seemingly looking up for our good lad Raj. Anna did accept an invite for drinks, while Mary enthusiastically informed him that she likes goof. A lot.
Does this mean that his girl problems are over? Maybe they are just starting…

Thank you so much for reading.

I will see you all in the next one.